


Ghost of Christmas Past

by astudyinfic



Series: A December of Ty and Zane [13]
Category: Cut & Run - Madeleine Urban & Abigail Roux
Genre: Becky approves, Comfort, Dreams, F/M, M/M, Mentions of Canonical Character Death, Mentions of alcoholism, mentions of drug use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-17 20:36:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16981380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astudyinfic/pseuds/astudyinfic
Summary: Zane once worried that he couldn't love two people in his life.  Someone from his past assures him that not only is it possible, but it is also a blessing.Day 13:Christmas Past





	Ghost of Christmas Past

With Ty in Boston for the weekend, going to a Patriot’s game with Nick, Zane found himself with far too much time on his hands.  He kept himself busy, finishing up his (and Ty’s) paperwork, getting some time in at the gym, finishing the Christmas shopping, even doing some painting.  And while he was alone, it didn’t bother him the way it used to. The thought of the past Christmases, the ones before Ty, hurt his heart to even think about.  He’d been so angry, so closed off. The holidays were just another day, nothing he even considered more than a passing thought. He had nothing to celebrate so what was the point?

This year would be different.  The first Christmas since Becky died that he would be spending it with someone he loved.  They were together the year before but the circumstances weren't ideal.  And while he was thrilled to have Ty, counted his blessings every day he woke up next to the man of his dreams, guilt started to eat at him as the weekend rolled on and he ran out of things to keep his mind occupied.

A happy Christmas?  One without Becky? He knew he wasn’t betraying her - she was gone and nothing would bring her back - but he never intended to have someone else in his life.  He planned to work himself to death (literally) and that would be that.

Ty and Zane never really talked about Becky.  Ty mentioned once that he was grateful to her, that she made Zane into the man he fell in love with.  Other than that, she was a silent presence in their lives, often coloring Zane’s actions whether he meant to or not.  It wasn’t fair to Ty. It wasn’t fair to Becky. But Zane didn’t know how to let go of the guilt that he was managing to let them both down.  

He could love two people in his life.  Logically, he knew it was true because he’d loved Becky and he loved Ty.  But...

Frustrated at himself, Zane decided to go to bed early, knowing he needed to pick Ty up at the airport the next morning before going in to work.  He looked forward to seeing him again but as he fell asleep, the guilt that he was betraying Becky sat at the front of his mind.

When he woke, Zane blinked for a moment, disoriented by the dream he had.  This wasn’t the bed he’d fallen asleep in. That much was certain. By the time his sleep addled brain woke up, Zane realized where he was. 

Dallas.

His home with Becky.

How?  

“Zane,” came a voice so familiar it stopped his heart in its tracks.  “Honey, look at me.” He shook his head, afraid that if he looked in that direction, it wouldn’t be real.  “Zane Garrett, look at me.”

Unable to deny her anything she asked, Zane turned to see his wife, standing there looking the same as she had the last time he saw her.  “How? You... You died.”

“I did.  Seven years ago now.”  Becky smiled as she sat next to him on the bed.  “I was worried about you there for a while.”

Zane’s whole body began to shake, whether from shock, stress, or something else entirely, he didn’t know.  “If you are dead, how are you here? Am I dreaming? Am I dead?” Those were the only two explanations. He didn’t believe in ghosts, so that couldn’t be it.

“You aren’t dead.  I guess you could call this a dream if that makes it easier for you to understand.”  Zane struggled to keep up, everything feeling like he was watching it through a fog. “You are very much alive, Zane. I would like it to stay that way for many years to come.  And I know someone else would as well.”

Ty.  It was strange to hear his late wife talk about Ty, even if she hadn’t mentioned his name yet.  “I’m sorry,” he whispered, dropping his head to his hands. “I didn’t mean for it to happen, I just...”  He just what? Zane didn’t know how to explain Ty. And he hated apologizing for loving him. Loving Ty was one of the greatest things he ever did and Zane would never regret it, even as it came with crippling guilt on occasion.  

A hand ran through his hair, gentle and comforting.  “You really do think I’m upset, don’t you? Zane, for such a smart man, you truly are stupid sometimes.”  He choked on a laugh, having heard that before. Ty was fond of telling him that whenever he made an unwise choice.  “I’m glad you have someone. I never wanted you to be alone after I was gone. You have to know that.”

When he didn’t say anything, Becky sighed and sat back against the headboard of the bed they once shared.  “Remember our last Christmas together?”

Of course, he did.  They’d gone to Becky’s parents’ place since even back then, Zane did whatever he could to avoid his mother.  Zane spent most of the time on his phone, dealing with work problems but they shared a wonderful dinner, cooked by Becky’s mother, and opened gifts.  When he wasn’t working, the night was filled with family and love, something Zane thought he would have forever.

Something he didn’t realize he would be losing in less than a year.  

“Your dad was mad at me for being on the phone so much, couldn’t understand why I needed to work, even on Christmas.  You explained it to him and I think he accepted it. Wasn’t happy but you knew how much my work meant to me, made sure he knew it too.”  It was the happiest Christmas he’d ever spent, which, looking back on it now, was rather sad when he considered it.

Becky nodded, an amused smile on her lips.  “He was pissed. More than he let on. But you put the phone down when it was important and I think that impressed him a little.”  

Laughing at that, Zane shook his head.  Becky’s father was a retired police officer from Dallas, not an easy man to impress.  “You know he hated that I was a Fed. I don’t think it had anything to do with the phone.”

“I know,” she said as she smiled back at him.  “It was a good Christmas, Z. I’m glad that we had that one before...”  She didn’t finish the thought, but she didn’t need to. Zane knew where she was going with it.  

It was surreal to talk to her again.  All those years he’d wanted nothing more than to hear her voice again, and now she was here when he was finally moving on.  

She placed a hand on his shoulder, forcing him to look at her.  “Now, tell me about the Christmas after I died.”

That was the worst Christmas of his life and Zane couldn’t even remember it.  Becky died only a couple months before it and Zane was already ‘self-medicating’ as he called it back then.  Alcohol to help him sleep. Pills to stay awake. Nothing took away the pain, though, and only a few weeks after the holidays, Zane would try heroin for the first time.  “I don’t remember it,” he said quietly, embarrassed by how broken he had been. “I’m not sure I even realized it was Christmas. I was just trying to survive another day.”

“Were you?  Because it seemed more that you were trying to drink your way into an early grave.  And then, drugs? Damn it, Z! You know better than that. What on earth possessed you to do that?”  Her anger was palpable and Zane wanted to shrink away from it, even as he knew he deserved every word she said.

“It hurt.  Everything hurt and I wanted it to stop for a few minutes.  Nothing worked. Then I went to Miami and thought I would die there so it didn’t really matter what I did.”  

She smacked him on the back of the head, hard enough that he wondered if this was a dream at all.  “And you think that is what I wanted? Fuck, Zane! I love you. I didn’t want you to die just because I did.  Mourn, grieve, whatever. But move on. We were so young. You had so much life ahead of you. You still do. If you had died because of your idiotic choices, I would have kicked your ass in the afterlife.  I hope you know that.”

Despite her anger, Zane smiled to himself.  He forgot about her fiery temper, her desire to protect the ones she loved.  In many ways, she reminded him of Ty. Or Ty reminded him of her. One or the other.

Maybe Zane had a type.

“Do you remember any of the Christmases after I died?  Because I love you, but you were a mess for years after, not only that first one.”  

He strained, trying to remember a specific instance of Christmas.  “I remember last year,” he offered but there was a reason for that.

“What was different last year?”  

Becky already knew the answer.  Zane knew that. But he still answered because it was important.  Because it was a turning point in his life, even if he didn’t realize it then.  “Ty. Last year I was with Ty. And because of him, I was sober. My first Christmas sober since you died.”  So many things had changed since meeting Ty. None of them seemed significant at the time but now, looking back on the last two years, since he was first partnered with the stubborn Marine, Zane hardly recognized himself.  After Becky died, Zane lost track of who he was. Now, Zane hated the man he’d become but back then, he saw no other way.

She smiled knowingly.  “Last question. Tell me what you are doing this year for Christmas.”

He couldn’t stop the smile that came across his face, even if he tried.  “We’re going to Bluefield. Mara promised she’d make that apple pie I liked so much.  Ty’s going to take me to his favorite place to shoot when he was a kid.” Bluefield was quickly becoming his favorite place in the world, a fact that gave him neverending amusement.  Never in his life did Zane think West By God Virginia would become like home to him.

Becky must have seen something in his face because she smiled.  “Thank him for me. He saved you. Or gave you a reason to save yourself.  Either way, I’m grateful.”

He blinked, thinking about what she said.  It was weird to know that his late wife approved of the man he fell in love with.  “You don’t mind?” he asked before he could stop himself. “You don’t mind that I fell in love again?  You don’t mind that he’s a man? That I want to ask him to marry me?”

“Zane Zachary Garrett, if you weren’t thinking about asking him to marry you, I would hit you again, if it would knock some sense into that thick head of yours.”  He laughed, feeling the guilt he carried loosen a little. “You love him. He loves you. And the two of you? You work. I would never want to keep you from someone you loved.  Love each other and treat each other right and I won’t have to kick your ass when we see each other again.”

“I don’t know.  Ty might like to watch that,” Zane chuckled.  The thought of Becky and Ty meeting somehow filled him with joy and fear at the same time.  “Actually, I don’t want you two to meet. That would only spell disaster for me.”

She laughed and Zane joined in.  “I love you, Zane. And I know you will always love me.  But I want you to let go of your guilt about me and us and everything that happened in the past.  Live in the present. Enjoy that man who loves you with his whole heart and soul. Love him back just as intensely.  That is what I’m asking of you, honey. Think you can do it?”

Loving Ty?  It was the easiest thing Zane ever did, so he didn’t hesitate to agree to her terms.  He nodded, his mind already drifting to Ty and how much he wanted to see him again, even if it had been only a couple of days.  

“You loved me wholeheartedly for ten wonderful years.  Ty deserves that as well. He deserves all of you, so don’t hold back from him because of me.”  Becky leaned in and kissed the top of his head. “I love you, Zane. I couldn’t be happier that you have him.”

“I love you, too.”

He wanted to tell her more but something loud and unpleasant stifled anything he said.  He blinked, surprised to find he was waking up in the bed he shared with Ty with the alarm blaring, not the one he’d been sitting on only a moment before.

Scrubbing a hand over his face, Zane tamped down on the disappointment that it was only a dream.  He wished he could have spoken to Becky herself. But, everything she said in the dream sounded just like her, not his subconscious.  Maybe he shouldn’t discount the ghost theory after all.

Becky Garrett, the ghost of Christmases past and present.  Zane hoped he wouldn’t need one for the future.

He hurried to get ready, anxious to see Ty, with a new sense of joy.  Becky was right. She usually was. He’d been holding a small part of himself back from Ty, and it wasn’t fair.  Ty deserved all of him and he would get it from here on out.

At the airport, Zane didn’t bother to hide the grin he had when he spotted Ty in the crowd.  He pulled his lover into his arms and kissed him right there in the terminal. “I missed you,” he whispered against Ty’s stunned lips.  

Ty, for his part, caught on quick enough, wrapping his arms around Zane and kissing him in return.  “I missed you too, darlin’. If this is the greeting I get when I come home, I should go away more often.”

“Don’t you dare.”  Zane kissed him again, not willing to stop himself.  “What do you say we take an extra few days off and head down to Bluefield tonight?”

“McCoy will kill us.”  But even as he argued, Ty’s grin was growing and Zane knew he had won.

Zane laughed.  “When has that ever stopped us?  Come on. We can go home and get packed.  I’ll even be the one to call him.”

Throwing Ty’s bag over his shoulder, Zane offered his boyfriend his hand.  

“What’s gotten into you?” Ty asked, looking him over suspiciously.  “You seem lighter, for lack of a better word.”

Zane shrugged.  “I got some really good advice,” he answered cryptically.  “And I love you. Isn’t that enough?”

“I suppose so.”  Ty didn’t look convinced and Zane figured it would be a weird conversation in the car to West Virginia later but he would worry about that when it happened.  "And for the record, darlin’,” Ty drawled. “I love you too.”

And really, that was all that mattered.

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell at me on [tumblr](http://astudyinfic.tumblr.com), [pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.io/astudyinfic) or [twitter](http://twitter.com/astudyinfic)
> 
> Also, we made a [Cut & Run discord channel](https://discord.gg/KFfErkb) if anyone is interested in joining and yelling at us about the books we all love.


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